So A LOT has happened since I last wrote 2+ years ago! I’ll put together a timeline with highlights to make it easy to follow

August/September 2016 – I didn’t need surgery and eventually my HCG went down to 0 and I went back to work by the end of August. All of my co-workers were very understanding and supportive of me.  I was an emotional roller coaster for a while, and still feeling sick from the Methotrexate for weeks after. But work was a good distraction to keep my mind off of all of the negativity I was going through.

I went to see a psychologist to help me get through this mourning phase that I just couldn’t seem to shake. I was just sad all the time and it’s difficult to grieve for something that only existed for you and your husband. Others don’t understand the full extent of emotional turmoil that a couple goes through when you have a miscarriage.  But this was the worst kind, when he kept growing inside me, it hurt everyday and was an everyday reminder. Then when it finally stopped, I felt I could finally grieve “the end” but again, no one understands what you’re going through.  So the physiologist helped me talk it out, especially the personal guilt I had. Of course I knew it wasn’t my fault, but that doesn’t mean I didn’t look at everything I did wrong or could have done differently.  Anyway, it helped, but I don’t think anything could have helped completely.

October 2016 – my youngest sister got married so we had another big trip to the east coast planned.  I also had a lot of work trips planned for November and then to Myrtle Beach to see my parents for Christmas. So we put off anything more as for IVF until 2017.

January 2017 – I started the pill to regulate my body. I had 2 embryos left and we had to decide to transfer 1 or 2.  I was so torn because I wanted to put in 2 at the higher chance of getting 1, but my doctor just kept telling me how risky that was for me at my age if I did get pregnant with twins.  So we went with transferring 1 embryo, the 2nd highest quality embryo. The 3rd embryo was considered a C quality and not as high of a chance of success.  Ok, #2 embryo it is!

I had my works National Sales meeting from 1/21 – 1/25 and started my Lupron shots on  1/21. Traveling during the process isn’t fun, but because I travel so often, it was impossible to work around. I’ll never forget having to leave a party one night so I could go to my room to give myself a shot and then come back.  No one knew I was going through IVF again so it was . It’s just one of those memories that stands out.

February 2017 – I had the same protocol this go around and they decided not to change anything since I got pregnant and the ectopic was just a freak thing.  My transfer day was 2/16/17, the day after my Grandmother’s bday, so I thought this was good luck for me!        2/28/18 – I took my first pregnancy test and it was positive!! My HCG was in the 300s and so much higher than the first time. Yaaay!!! I’m pregnant again, this time it’s going to be different!                                                                                                                                              3/3/17 – 2nd pregnancy test and confirmation – my HCG had dropped significantly which means it was a “chemical pregnancy” and the embryo had implanted and started to grow, but never got very far before it stopped.  So now I would be going through a miscarriage again.                                                                                                                                  3/9/17 – we met with Dr. Greene to see if he had any answers.  He didn’t have anything comforting to say except that this can happen, but it means I can get pregnant, it’s just difficult for my uterus to stay pregnant. So we talked about things that could be causing it and things that I could try for the 3rd time

• Did I have an inhospitable uterus?
• There was uterine testing I could try that was still experimental, but gave you results on the best window to do the transfer based on a biopsy of your uterus.
• There was intralipid therapy, also experimental, but something I could do before and after the transfer to boost my uterus strength.

All of these things were frustrating to know about and why didn’t my doctor talk to me about them before the 2nd transfer? I would have done anything, even experimental, to give us a better outcome the 2nd time. I didn’t even know if I could go through it a 3rd time! I was emotionally spent.  We took time off to think about what we wanted to do. We considered adoption and looked pretty deep into that option. But the cost would have been anywhere from $25k to $50k and we had already invested sooo much time, energy, emotional energy, and LOTS of money into IVF.  So we needed time to get ourselves together.

April 2017 – After contemplating all of the option, we decided we couldn’t give up on the IVF route knowing we had 1 more embryo left.  We couldn’t move on knowing that this last embryo could be the one.  I opted to go through the uterine testing (ERA – Endometrial Receptivity Analysis) ) just in case that gave us any more information. In order to do this, you take the drugs just like you would for a transfer, but on the transfer day, that take a sample scraping of your uterus.  So we started another “transfer” protocol on 3/26/17.

I traveled to Tucson and had to give myself shots throughout that trip and it was more difficult because of the heat and trying to keep my meds cool.  So I had to tell my DM what was going on and why I needed to carry a cooler full of needles around. 🙂

4/20/17 – ERA test – holy SHIT did this hurt!! This was by far the most painful test ever.  They go in with a plastic knife like object and literally scrape back on forth on your uterus. I had tears coming down my face. My husband knew it was serious, because of all of the tests and crap I’ve had to go through, this was the only one that made my cry out in physical pain.  Oh and they have to get a big enough sample and the first 15 seconds of scraping didn’t give them enough, so they had to go back in and scrape for another 15 seconds…I almost lost it!! But I survived, now I just hope the results tell us something that will help us get success on this 3rd and final transfer.

 

 

 

So I’m having a personal pity party for myself, party of 1.

After the “good” news that my HCG went down by almost 2000, I went in Tues and it only went down by 410 to 3378 from

While it is decreasing, it will take forever to get to 0 at this rate and that’s only delaying our 2nd transfer. So I had accepted that surgery may be the best option to get this over with. After almost 3 weeks of this, I’m beyond the grieving point and now at the SUPER frustrated and impatient point.

So I went in for an ultrasound that I was positive would show it had decreased in size due to the mucus/blood I had in my urine over the weekend and because I have not had any pain. Well, lucky me…it’s grown by 10mm! From 19mm to 29mm, seriously?!? Wtf?!? He’s a stubborn and determine little sucke, which should be great, but in this case, it’s not, not at all. So the nurse told me surgery was most likely the best option. Ok, I’m ready. Let’s get him out, recover, and move on to transfer #2.

Oh wait, hurdle #5…I have Gortex in my stomach from an umbilical hernia in 2008. Well that just complicates things. In order to take the Fallopian tube out he’d have to cut through the Gortex and that would require a repair surgery. So what should be 1 surgery would end up being 2! My doc doesn’t want to put my body through that and neither do I. fuck, seriously, I can’t catch a break!!!

So now it’s more of the wait and see game to check my HCG on Sat and see if it continues to go down. If it stays the same or goes up I’ll have surgery to remove the Fallopian tube and the Surgery to fix my hernia…again. If it goes down well continue to monitor it until it goes to 0, which could take months at this rate!

I’m beyond frustrated! I just don’t know why the WORST case scenario keeps having to happen to me?!? All I want is a baby and it’s so hard to be patient after all of this? Again, is this God’s way of telling me I’m not meant to be a parent and I should just stop trying? After all of these hurdles and terrible outcomes it’s just hard not to think that.

I think I need to delete Facebook, again, because I’m going through that cry phase, again, everytime I see pictures of somebody’s fantastic kid or a birth announcement or a new arrival. I go through phases and it just gets hard to be happy for everyone else when that’s all I want for us. How do you keep staying positive when everyone else around you gets that happy ending and it just doesn’t seem possible for us anymore??

I Am GOING to stay positive and get through this and make it to transfer #2, I swear I will. But if #2 doesn’t have a positive outcome, I don’t know I can make it to #3. I’m so emotionally spent after all of this, I don’t know I can take another failure.

So after a very emotionally painful weekend, we make the decision to have a D&C on Monday after a confirmation Ultrasound that he has stopped growing. I prepare myself mentally and physically (not eating or drinking past midnight) and go in at 10am. I started having some pretty sharp pains early that morning that were pretty intense. I assumed it was my body preparing for the miscarriage naturally.

In the Ultrasound room she sees nothing in my uterus. The sac that was there on Thursday is no longer there. She asks if I’m having any pains and I explain the sharp, stabbing pain on my right side. She searches around inside and finds a “mass” aka our baby possibly in my Fallopian tube.  When she’s in that area the pain is excruciating. She thinks the embryo has migrated up to my tube and is now ectopic. Great, what the hell does that mean for me?!?

So I get dressed and once again have a 2 hour meeting with nurses and Dr Greene on more decisions. With the embryo now on my Fallopian tube a DNC was pointless. The ultrasound showed no fluid or blood in my uterus. So now the choice was to have surgery to remove my Fallopian tube or to try to stop the “mass” from growing with medication. The medication is methotrexate, a drug used for chemo patients to stop cells from multiplying and growing. This was the best alternative to surgery so we opt for it. On Monday 8/1 my HCG was 3902.

To further complicate things, I tell them that were leaving for NJ for my sister’s wedding on Thursday morning. They tell me that typically they would take blood to test my HCG on day 4 and day 6. With my timeframe. We do it on day 3 instead, Wednesday before I leave.

After the methotrexate on Monday I get pretty sick. Within 9-12 hours I’m dizzy and nauseous and can barely hold my head up. I’m having more pains so Vicodin helps. I make it to Wednesday only to find out the “mass” has not decreased and my HCG almost doubles to 6171. That means there’s more blood flow to the “mass” meaning he’s growing.

God this is so painful! He’s strong and wants to keep growing and would be a healthy pregnancy if he was in the right spot! I’m beyond frustrated and devastated that I’m now taking medication to kill what should be a healthy baby boy growing inside me. I know that he can’t go on to be a baby now that he’s in my Fallopian tube, but after all that we’ve been through to finally get pregnant and have his result is just so fucked up! I mean, can we get a break please?!?!  It’s hard to not get depressed and think the whole world is against you. I had to ask myself, does God just not want us to be parents? Are we tempting fate by going through IVF and with each HUGE hurdle that we have it’s God telling us no, this isn’t meant for you? I tried staying positive but how do you not think of these things after all we’ve been through?

Ok, so we leave Wednesday without knowing the HCG level and the nurse tells me I should be ok to go to NJ since I’m not having any pain. Then they get the results of 6171 and Dr. Greene calls to say he can’t medically recommend that I travel. With the huge increase it means it’s growing and could rupture my tube. While he can’t medically recommend I go, he also says he would go himself if it were his wife and him. He knows I’m the Matron of Honor, haven’t seen my parents in 1.5 years and my family hasn’t ALL been together in 2 years since our wedding. Not to mention all the emotional shit I’m going through that being with your family can only help. I needed a hug from my Mom and to have a mental break from all of this shit.

I was devastated by him not saying it’s smart for me to go and traveling puts me at a huge risk. But I was going. After talking with my husband and parents I knew that I had to. There was no pressure from anyone but me. I couldn’t miss this important time for my sister and to be with my family. So we talked about a couple of options with Dr Greene and I decided to go back for a 2nd dose of methotrexate on Wed night. This was 4 days earlier than when they would want to do a 2nd dose but knowing I couldn’t get a shot in NJ, it was the best decision.

What I failed to think about is how sick is feel 9-12 hours after the shot, which was when we would be leaving for the airport for a 620am flight! Holy shit, I was a mess. Bad acid reflux, hot sweats, nausea all while driving to the airport, the long walk from the car, through security,and all the way to the gate. I thought I was going to puke.  Once I made it to the gate and sat down, I started crying. I was so scared I was making the wrong decision and something bad could happen and I wind up in the ER. Long story short, I forced myself and made it to NJ. I was exhausted and could barely stand through the rehearsal and dinner, but I made it until about 9pm before I had to get in bed with my heating pad.

Friday, the day of the wedding I was good. Made it all day and to the reception feeling good and not having anything to drink. But once it was time to give the speech, I had to start drinking! onxe I had a few vodka sodas in me I was feeling good, danced the whole night and then partied until 3am like I was 21 again.

Of course Saturday morning was not pretty! I had to go get my blood drawn before 11am and didn’t wake up until 10:11am. Shit! I was still drunk driving to LabCorp and my husband threw up in the parking lot. God, I felt like a delinquent, but we deserved a fun night out after all that we had been through.

After much delay I found out my HCG had dropped by 1000 points to 5200. Ok good, the shot was working. Then Sunday came and I felt terrible, cramps worse than I had had and just weak. I was happy to have friends from Baltimore drive to NJ to surprise me but couldn’t mask the pain. Thank God we sat on the beach and relaxed cause I couldn’t do much more.

We didn’t leave NJ until Monday night after I got to spend more time with my Brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew. On Tuesday morning I went for another ultrasound and HCG blood test. Yaaay, the “mass” has grown and my HCG went back up to 5507. He was growing again! God, how frustrating that he’s so strong, exactly what we wanted, just not in the right place. I can’t believe I’m trying to stop him from growing, the one thing we wanted him to do!

I go back on Wed and we talk to Dr Greene to decide on scheduling surgery or another shot. They rarely give 3 shots of methotrexate. Will it work or will I wind up in surgery anyway? We decide to give it one final shot, literally, to avoid surgery.

This time around, I have just felt SUPER tired. I slept for 13 hours and think I slept through the dizziness and nausea. It’s now Sat night and I’m still tired and have had random cramps, but nothing bad. I had my blood drawn this morning and my HCG was 3788! Finally, it’s gone down drastically and seems to be working. I thought for sure I was going to be scheduling surgery next week. I’ve also had 2 things of bloody mucus come out, so I’m assuming that’s our baby breaking down and coming out. It’s the saddest thing to realize what it is, but also a huge relief since if it didn’t I’d be having surgery.

I get my blood drawn again on Tuesday to make sure it keeps going down. With the ups and downs I’ve had, who knows what can happen.

Now for the million questions on why and what do we do next time?!? There was such a big part of me that kept wondering if they take my tube maybe it will better our chances of this not happening again. There’s still always a chance, with or without a tube that this can happen. Yes, without a tube, the embryo can still go into this small pocket just outside the uterus and still be ectopic. Who knows the damage all of this stress has caused my Fallopian tube. It’s probably worse now then it was in the beginning. Would I have been better having surgery? So many questions and there’s just no answers to everything.  Nothing is 100% and there’s no guarantee. Just another one of the millions of frustrations of infertility and IVF.

7/28/16…the 7 week ultrasound is finally here! I couldn’t be more excited! For the last 2 weeks I have been talking to him daily, deciding on names (Jack was the top contender), planning his room, downloaded 4 baby apps to see which I liked best and followed his growth and read all of the daily information and tips. We were ready to “meet” our lil leprechaun!

We get in the ultrasound room and I had literally not let myself think of any negative thoughts, this was happening for us. So when the ultrasoundologist says she’s not seeing what she would expect to see, I don’t understand. Ok, maybe my bladder should be full and that will make it easier to see our little guy, right? No, she says she sees fluid but no defined sac or heartbeat. Immediate tears and I can’t breathe. Keep checking, I’m sure he’s in there, I know it. After 10 minutes she apologizes and tells us she doesn’t think the sac is in there and that it looks like it has begun to break down. What the hell does that mean??!!

So we bawl, well I bawl my eyes out the cry when you can’t catch your breath and your body hurts. Then I have to get dressed and wait in a room to talk to a nurse. After 2 hours, so many conversations that I can barely remember and just feeling like everyone is staring at me and waiting for me to make a decision, I still can’t come to terms that he’s gone. I’m in denial. I want another Ultrasound or some kind of confirmation/closure that he’s not in there.

They said he stopped growing at about 6 weeks and the sac had broken down and was just fluid in my uterus. I had 4 people, including my doctor tell me this wasn’t a viable pregnancy and I still couldn’t accept it. I had 3 choices, natural miscarriage which could happen at any time (no thanks!), drug induced miscarriage using Cytotec, or a D and C (dialation and curettage) procedure. I hear the pros and cons of each and just can’t make a decision when I still feel like he’s in there growing. I’m about to have a panic attack or break down after 2 hours of sitting there with a nurse while in complete devastation and all I want to do is to be in my husband’s arms crying. Get me out of here!! We leave with the prescription for Cytoec and a D&C appointment on Monday so we can process and make a decision over the weekend.

We go home and cry in bed. It hurts, I can’t breathe. This is not what was supposed to happen. I’m still in denial. I should feel different if he’s not growing right? I would know if something was wrong. My mom and sister and best friend had texted asking how it went and after a few hours of no response, I had to tell them  “he’s not in there. He stopped growing and has not heartbeat”. This was by far the hardest day I’ve ever had.  I wish I had never become pregnant! If those pregnancy tests were right in the beginning and I was never pregnant then I’d never have to go through this incredible pain and make a decision on how I was going to get rid of my dead baby boy inside of me.

How do you make a decision like this!? I don’t want him out of me, I want him to stay and keep growing! I was in a complete daze for the next day. I can’t stop thinking about it, can’t keep myself from crying, can’t focus on anything! This is just cruel! 2 people who have gone through so much to get pregnant finally do after 2 years and now have to go through this? It just isn’t fair!

And now the decision…Cytotec or D&C. I did a lot of research and found that a lot of women who choose Cytotec still have to have a D&C because not all of the fetal tissue comes out. That seems like a cruel punishment to have to go through both.  I read Cytotec is pretty painful, pretty much induces labor to expel the fetus and can get very bloody and could cause hemorrhaging and all kinds of other risks. So I read a lot of opinions on which to do and women who have done both. Many say they’d choice D&C purely because of the emotional pain having a miscarriage cause. This is my biggest fear, I don’t know if I can bleed out my baby boy and keep my sanity. I’d rather go to sleep and wake up, while still in emotional pain, at least I don’t have to see all of the blood and know what it is.

So I decided on the D&C. But I needed confirmation that he really was not growing. So I have an ultrasound on Monday morning to confirm there’s still no heartbeat and then a D&C after. I know there won’t be a miracle and all of a sudden be a heartbeat but I feel like I need closure. I can’t bring myself to take pills to induce a miscarriage when I don’t feel different and still want to believe that he’s alive. I’m hoping this process is less emotional and physical pain (not that there won’t be both, but at least try to minimize it).

 

On 7/14/16 I had to take the confirmation blood test to make sure my HCG levels had risen. I started at 66 and they needed to rise to confirm I was pregnant.

Well I went for the blood test in the morning and decided I needed a drive and hike to clear my head. So why not do that on a 14er?! I took my dog for a drive to Mount Evans. After 5.5 years of being in Colorado I figured it was time I went. We hiked Echo Lake and then up to Summit Lake and up a super windy and narrow road up to the summit, 14,265 feet up. (besides the hike around both lakes, I drove all of this, I couldn’t have hiked this!)

So we get to the top and are walking around and my husband calls. I don’t have good reception and can’t understand much before we’re cut off except, email. So I check my email and find out it’s official, WE’RE PREGNANT! My HCG had risen to 146! Inthe email was also the due date, 3/17/17…St Patty’s Day…my favorite holiday! I was beyond exstatic and crying. People definitely thought something was wrong but this was the happiest cry I’ve ever had! I kept telling my dog he was going to be a big brother.

At this point I just couldn’t wait to get home and celebrate with my husband! And celebrate I did with some La Croix and we were so elated! Oh and in the email I also found out I shouldn’t be above 10,000 feet while pregnant… Guess that was my last trip up a 14er for a while!

The next 2 weeks were amazing and I was just feeling on cloud 9 because it had finally worked for us. We had out little leprechaun or green bean, as I called him. I began Pintresting the shit out of boy room ideas. It was tough but also fun to have to fake drink. It did get pretty annoying when everyone is wasted around you and you’re sipping on a vodka soda, hold the vodka. But I didn’t care, I had our growing boy inside me and couldn’t be happier.

Since all of my family knew we were doing the transfer sometime around the beginning of July (6/29/16 to be exact) it was impossible to keep our little leprechaun a secret. We told both our families and my best friend within 2 days. I was going to try to keep the secret from others until at least our first ultrasound but it was hard especially since others knew we were going through IVF and would ask how it’s going. I’m not a good liar! So a few other friends knew.

7/28 was the first ultrasound and we couldn’t wait to hear our lil boy’s heartbeat and see him, even if he was only the size of a blueberry! We already had a gender reveal to my family planned out. My sister is getting married 8/5 so the morning after, at brunch we were going to have a blue confetti party. I could NOT wait. Since nothing about the pregnancy or telling our family we were pregnant was traditional, I wanted to have a gender reveal to make it fun for everyone to find out the sex. I ordered stickers and could care less about the wedding, just wanted the day after to get here!

Ok, so we finally made it to the transfer part of this whole IVF stuff! Here has been my FET timeline…

• 5/22/16 – 6/8/16 – birth control pill
• 6/4/16 – started Lupon (10units) take everyday until June 27th
• 6/14 – FET Day 1 – Blood work and Ultrasound to check my lining
  • Estrace estrogen pill – 1 pill (2mg) orally – increased to 1 orally in a.m., 1 orally in p.m. and 1/2 pill vaginally p.m.
  • Estradiol estrogen patch – 1 increased to 2, then 4 right before transfer and then back down to 2
• 6/18/16 – Blood work and ultrasound – always had to take meds 2-4 hours before
• 6/22/16 – Blood work and ultrasound
• 6/23/16 – Trigger with Novarel
• 6/24 – started Progesterone in sesame oil (1ml first day, then 1.5ml from 6/25 – 7/14)
• 6/25/16 – Medrol (Methylprednisolone) 4 pills before lunch for 4 days until 6/28  (these dissolve quickly and taste terribly!!)
• 6/29/16 – TRANSFER DAY!!! Also our 2 year anniversary! 🙂
• 6/30 – Novarel 20 units
• 7/3/16 – Novarel 20 units
• I continued with my 2.5 Estace pills, 2 Estradiol patches every other day, and 1.5ml of Progesterone in Oil through 7/14

So now that you know all the drugs I’ve been taking, I can tell you that the Progesterone shots hurt more than anything!! They are intramuscular and have to be given in your ass.  I would rather take 10 shots in my stomach a day to the 1 shot in my ass.  It stings like a bee sometimes all day and sometimes throbs or is just very tender.  Once injection gave me such a HUGE bruise that it was a little concerning.  My husband felt so bad and my ass cheek was purple and red.  It is finally going away after almost 2 weeks.

The day I triggered and then took the Progesterone shot I immediately had stomach pains, like severe cramps I couldn’t breathe.  Thank God the severe cramps didn’t last too long but then I just had random cramping for the next week.

The Estrace pills are fine to take orally, but the 1/2 of one vaginally isn’t fun.  So one of the side effects is excessive discharge, well the pill is blue, so now my discharge is blue! I’m a fucking smurf! This is really gross and it’s definitely recommended to wear a panty liner.

The patches are annoying only because the sticky edges gather all lint and leave a sticky, linty residue when you take off the patch.  Other than that, they’re easy to handle especially compared to the Progesterone.

So as far as how I felt through the process…in the beginning I was crampy, tired and irritable.  Oh and my boobs instantly got humongous and very tender. The progesterone mimics pregnancy side effects so I felt all of the above plus bloated and pregnant.

Once the transfer day got here, I was soo excited…and nervous! I chose to do acupuncture pre and post transfer.  So I got there an hour and a half early, had my blood drawn, drank my 32ozs of water, took a Valium and then had acupuncture.  The acupuncturist was anything but relaxing, talking about her house remodel and blah, blah, blah.  Like I care about that shit right now, I’m trying to relax before one of the most important days of my life.

Then the transfer…my doctor, Dr. Greene was doing it and this always makes me happy when the doctor I’ve been seeing and creating a relationship with can do my procedure.  First the embryologist confirms that we are transferring a boy and brings a picture of the embryo to us.  I thought this was cute to have a keepsake of our baby boy before he’s actually a baby or inside of me.  Weird though, I know.

Then you get on the table just like a pap smear.  I’ve actually heard that’s what it feels like.  I guess I’d agree except for the washing of the uterus.  That has to be done with gauze and wiping gauze against a uterus doesn’t tickle, but it’s bearable.  Dr. Greene told me that he was washing the speculum and catheter and anything else that goes into my uterus in the same liquid that the embryos are frozen in so it doesn’t introduce any new, foreign substances to the embryo.

Then the embryologist shows me my name on the TV to identify the correct embryo.  I thought is was really cool that while lying there you have a 50″ TV to watch the embryologist suck up the embryo in the catheter and then hand it to Dr. Greene.  Then they put on the ultrasound monitor and you watch as the catheter goes into your uterus and deposits the embryo.  They take a picture of this and print it out for you as well, again, another nice keepsake of the big day.  And that’s it.  No pain or anything.  Then I had to lay there for about 10 minutes but I also had to pee sooo badly!! When they came in to say I could get up I was relieved but then soo scared to pee.  Even though I know the embryo is not in the same place as my pee, it’s odd to pee right after the procedure.  But there was no holding back, it might have been the longest pee ever!

I was on modified bed rest for the next 2 days which was great! I only went up and down the stairs twice a day to go to bed or go downstairs for the day. I mostly laid on the couch and only got up for food and drinks.  I binge watched some Orange is the New Black and The League.  By Friday I was moving more and my friend came over with her 1 year old to bring me ice cream and hang out.  Saturday I was back to normal activities but wasn’t working out.  Although I did play golf on Wednesday, 1 week post transfer but only when Dr. Greene said it was fine to.  I was feeling good, only thinking positive and was sure our lil boy was growing inside of me!

So by Friday, 7/8, 9 days post transfer I read that HCG should start to be read in the urine after a transfer.  We went to dinner with another couple that night who had just had a failed transfer so I didn’t want to do a home pregnancy test prior.  But I couldn’t wait any longer and did one as soon as we got home….BIG MISTAKE, HUGE, HUGE! It was negative and my world crumbled.  I was sooo positive I was pregnant that I couldn’t fathom this.  Ok, it must be too early and I know it’s best to test in the morning.  So I’ll test in the morning….NEGATIVE again! I was a mess.  I could barely keep my shit together Saturday and Sunday (I tested again Sunday morning and negative again.

Monday was my first pregnancy blood test.  I cried the whole way there, got it together to give blood and then cried before I could walk out the door.  Plus I had to go back in to ask the nurse to have them not call me until after 3pm with the results so my husband and I could be together.  Well I couldn’t even make it through the first 3 words before I was hysterical trying to talk to the nurse.  I cried the whole way to work and contemplated going back home.  But work was actually a good thing, it took my mind off the test and kept my from losing my shit all day.

Monday at 4pm we got the call and I was ready with a roll of toilet paper and ready to open a bottle of wine.  But wait, it’s POSITIVE?!?!?!?! A very low HCG reading of 66, but it’s still POSITIVE!!! Ideally they want your level at 150, but 66 is still pregnant. They will retest me on Thursday….Thursday, that’s sooo far away!! But we are elated!! I will now be the spokesperson for why not to do a home pregnancy test for all IVF women! Seriously, don’t do it, it’s not worth the depression and pain if it’s wrong.

We’re staying positive that our lil boy is growing and will continue to increase my HCG levels.  They want to see them doubled by tomorrow.  I have a friend who started at 46 and then tripled each blood test and is now 4 months pregnant.  So I’m keeping the faith that this is the same as my lil boy.  Tomorrow will tell….

 

So it’s been a while because it was an emotional couple of days for me prior to finding out the genetic test results.

I talked about my negative thoughts throughout the process and they just completely engulfed me waiting for these results. I couldn’t stop thinking about the worst case scenarios and just knew we were going to have all 4 embryos come back genetically abnormal.

Well having these thoughts and then throwing in two 1st birthday parties is a huge mental and emotional fuck! We had a 1st bday on Friday night and of course got asked once when we plan on having kids. I’ve learned to ignore the question and let me husband take that one on 🙂

Then Saturday, May 7th we were supposed to find out the results and then go to another 1st birthday. Well that call never came and it drove me absolutely insane. So I sucked up my emotionally a mess self and went to the party. I was surrounded by kids all day and tried to stay in the opposite room from them as much as possible, but it’s just not possible.

Then my ex boyfriend, who just got married in October tells me him and his wife are pregnant. Yaay so excited for you, let me chug my wine on the side of the house and cry by myself. Yup, that’s what I did!

But it gets better…my good friend (whose daughters 1st birthday we were at and is also 4 months pregnant!) and the ex’s wife start talking about getting their sonograms and hearing the baby’s heartbeat and blah blah blah. And my friend puts her arm around me to bring me into the conversation, yup like I want to hear this right now when you know what I’m going through. So now I’m crying in the bathroom and still chugging wine. I’m miserable but trying to stick it out.

My husband, being the amazing, supportive husband that he is helped to calm me down and get through the night. Then Sunday comes and its Mother’s Day…yay Mother’s Day where all social media is full of babies, kids and mothers and everything I don’t have, everything I want and everything I am not. And still no results. So I email my IVF nurse letting her know I’m about to go insane and any insight on when we may hear the results would help.

Finally, Monday comes and I get an email that we should be hearing good news from the Laboratory shortly. Ok, good news, I can take good news!

Finaly, the results. Of the 4 embryos we had tested, 2 were normal. 50% isn’t bad, but that means we only have 3 total embryos. Again, not the numbers that we wanted, but we need to celebrate the successes, no matter how small and even if it’s not what we were hoping for. 3 is better than 0 and something we can work with!

So finally…we can move onto the transfer stage of this process and I can’t wait!

So 4 embryos made it to blastocyst stage. I haven’t written because I’ve been very upset with this #. I know we should be happy, but I was just thinking we’d have more after getting 5 more eggs this than the first time. I know it’s not about quantity, but quality but obviously you have to think the odds are better when you have more. After getting 1 of 5 last time, I’m terrified about this time.

So the first time we had 5, 4 came back abnormal and 1 came back with no genetic DNA read. So it was re-tested. We were told not to get our hopes up because it would likely also be abnormal since all its brothers and sisters were. But it actually came back viable and ok! This was a HUGE happy shock to us! However, the doctors still don’t have as much confidence in it because of the no DNA read the first time. So although we had that one, we wanted to go through this again so that we could have more embryos for a 2nd child and in the case that 1 transfer isn’t enough for me to get pregnant the first time.

So now we’re down to 4 and I have been an emotional wreck! The drop in estrogen has completely messed with my body and my emotional state. I week post retrieval I was in a pretty bad depression. I don’t think doctors or women talk about this challenge as much as they should. If I didn’t go through it the first time and tell my nurse I wouldn’t have been as prepared for this time. And this time was WAY worse! For 5 days I was bad. Like can’t stop crying for no reason, only thinking of a negative outcome, moody and a complete bitch to my husband. He couldn’t do anything right. Ask me how I am and I don’t want to talk about it, don’t ask me and you don’t care type of crazy. I felt so bad for him. On Sunday night I finally wrote him and email to tell him how I feel and that I know I’m a crazy, emotional bitch buy I can’t control it and I just want to get back to normal. I’m glad I could recognize this depression in myself and know that it will go away.

Like I said, I don’t think women talk to their IVF Doctor about this and should. They prescribed me with a metho-folate which helps in hormonal embalances and leveling you out. I also had a estrogen patch and then started birth control to give my body a regular dose of estrogen daily. It has helped, but those 5 days were miserable!!

We got the call from Ivogen today to get payment which means hat the results should be coming tomorrow or Saturday. Praying for good news, especially with 2 one year old birthday parties this weekend and Mother’s Day. If it’s bad news I don’t think I’ll be able to deal with any of that!

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

So of my 14 eggs retrieved, 12 were mature and 8 were fertilized! So now we’re just praying everyday that they are developing normally. We find out on Tues, Day 5 how many made it to blastocyst stage. We’re hoping to still have over 5. Last time we had 5 and 4 tested abnormal genetically. Meaning there was an excess or recessive gene in the chromosomal DNA and it would not develop normally and would result in a miscarriage. This happens even when both my husband and I had a genetic screen and everything came back normal on us.  That doesn’t necessarily mean that every embryo will develop normally too.

So this part isn’t as stressful as when they send it off for the genetic testing. That’s when I will be freaking out. So trying to think nothing but good thoughts.