So I’m having a personal pity party for myself, party of 1.

After the “good” news that my HCG went down by almost 2000, I went in Tues and it only went down by 410 to 3378 from

While it is decreasing, it will take forever to get to 0 at this rate and that’s only delaying our 2nd transfer. So I had accepted that surgery may be the best option to get this over with. After almost 3 weeks of this, I’m beyond the grieving point and now at the SUPER frustrated and impatient point.

So I went in for an ultrasound that I was positive would show it had decreased in size due to the mucus/blood I had in my urine over the weekend and because I have not had any pain. Well, lucky me…it’s grown by 10mm! From 19mm to 29mm, seriously?!? Wtf?!? He’s a stubborn and determine little sucke, which should be great, but in this case, it’s not, not at all. So the nurse told me surgery was most likely the best option. Ok, I’m ready. Let’s get him out, recover, and move on to transfer #2.

Oh wait, hurdle #5…I have Gortex in my stomach from an umbilical hernia in 2008. Well that just complicates things. In order to take the Fallopian tube out he’d have to cut through the Gortex and that would require a repair surgery. So what should be 1 surgery would end up being 2! My doc doesn’t want to put my body through that and neither do I. fuck, seriously, I can’t catch a break!!!

So now it’s more of the wait and see game to check my HCG on Sat and see if it continues to go down. If it stays the same or goes up I’ll have surgery to remove the Fallopian tube and the Surgery to fix my hernia…again. If it goes down well continue to monitor it until it goes to 0, which could take months at this rate!

I’m beyond frustrated! I just don’t know why the WORST case scenario keeps having to happen to me?!? All I want is a baby and it’s so hard to be patient after all of this? Again, is this God’s way of telling me I’m not meant to be a parent and I should just stop trying? After all of these hurdles and terrible outcomes it’s just hard not to think that.

I think I need to delete Facebook, again, because I’m going through that cry phase, again, everytime I see pictures of somebody’s fantastic kid or a birth announcement or a new arrival. I go through phases and it just gets hard to be happy for everyone else when that’s all I want for us. How do you keep staying positive when everyone else around you gets that happy ending and it just doesn’t seem possible for us anymore??

I Am GOING to stay positive and get through this and make it to transfer #2, I swear I will. But if #2 doesn’t have a positive outcome, I don’t know I can make it to #3. I’m so emotionally spent after all of this, I don’t know I can take another failure.