So after a very emotionally painful weekend, we make the decision to have a D&C on Monday after a confirmation Ultrasound that he has stopped growing. I prepare myself mentally and physically (not eating or drinking past midnight) and go in at 10am. I started having some pretty sharp pains early that morning that were pretty intense. I assumed it was my body preparing for the miscarriage naturally.

In the Ultrasound room she sees nothing in my uterus. The sac that was there on Thursday is no longer there. She asks if I’m having any pains and I explain the sharp, stabbing pain on my right side. She searches around inside and finds a “mass” aka our baby possibly in my Fallopian tube.  When she’s in that area the pain is excruciating. She thinks the embryo has migrated up to my tube and is now ectopic. Great, what the hell does that mean for me?!?

So I get dressed and once again have a 2 hour meeting with nurses and Dr Greene on more decisions. With the embryo now on my Fallopian tube a DNC was pointless. The ultrasound showed no fluid or blood in my uterus. So now the choice was to have surgery to remove my Fallopian tube or to try to stop the “mass” from growing with medication. The medication is methotrexate, a drug used for chemo patients to stop cells from multiplying and growing. This was the best alternative to surgery so we opt for it. On Monday 8/1 my HCG was 3902.

To further complicate things, I tell them that were leaving for NJ for my sister’s wedding on Thursday morning. They tell me that typically they would take blood to test my HCG on day 4 and day 6. With my timeframe. We do it on day 3 instead, Wednesday before I leave.

After the methotrexate on Monday I get pretty sick. Within 9-12 hours I’m dizzy and nauseous and can barely hold my head up. I’m having more pains so Vicodin helps. I make it to Wednesday only to find out the “mass” has not decreased and my HCG almost doubles to 6171. That means there’s more blood flow to the “mass” meaning he’s growing.

God this is so painful! He’s strong and wants to keep growing and would be a healthy pregnancy if he was in the right spot! I’m beyond frustrated and devastated that I’m now taking medication to kill what should be a healthy baby boy growing inside me. I know that he can’t go on to be a baby now that he’s in my Fallopian tube, but after all that we’ve been through to finally get pregnant and have his result is just so fucked up! I mean, can we get a break please?!?!  It’s hard to not get depressed and think the whole world is against you. I had to ask myself, does God just not want us to be parents? Are we tempting fate by going through IVF and with each HUGE hurdle that we have it’s God telling us no, this isn’t meant for you? I tried staying positive but how do you not think of these things after all we’ve been through?

Ok, so we leave Wednesday without knowing the HCG level and the nurse tells me I should be ok to go to NJ since I’m not having any pain. Then they get the results of 6171 and Dr. Greene calls to say he can’t medically recommend that I travel. With the huge increase it means it’s growing and could rupture my tube. While he can’t medically recommend I go, he also says he would go himself if it were his wife and him. He knows I’m the Matron of Honor, haven’t seen my parents in 1.5 years and my family hasn’t ALL been together in 2 years since our wedding. Not to mention all the emotional shit I’m going through that being with your family can only help. I needed a hug from my Mom and to have a mental break from all of this shit.

I was devastated by him not saying it’s smart for me to go and traveling puts me at a huge risk. But I was going. After talking with my husband and parents I knew that I had to. There was no pressure from anyone but me. I couldn’t miss this important time for my sister and to be with my family. So we talked about a couple of options with Dr Greene and I decided to go back for a 2nd dose of methotrexate on Wed night. This was 4 days earlier than when they would want to do a 2nd dose but knowing I couldn’t get a shot in NJ, it was the best decision.

What I failed to think about is how sick is feel 9-12 hours after the shot, which was when we would be leaving for the airport for a 620am flight! Holy shit, I was a mess. Bad acid reflux, hot sweats, nausea all while driving to the airport, the long walk from the car, through security,and all the way to the gate. I thought I was going to puke.  Once I made it to the gate and sat down, I started crying. I was so scared I was making the wrong decision and something bad could happen and I wind up in the ER. Long story short, I forced myself and made it to NJ. I was exhausted and could barely stand through the rehearsal and dinner, but I made it until about 9pm before I had to get in bed with my heating pad.

Friday, the day of the wedding I was good. Made it all day and to the reception feeling good and not having anything to drink. But once it was time to give the speech, I had to start drinking! onxe I had a few vodka sodas in me I was feeling good, danced the whole night and then partied until 3am like I was 21 again.

Of course Saturday morning was not pretty! I had to go get my blood drawn before 11am and didn’t wake up until 10:11am. Shit! I was still drunk driving to LabCorp and my husband threw up in the parking lot. God, I felt like a delinquent, but we deserved a fun night out after all that we had been through.

After much delay I found out my HCG had dropped by 1000 points to 5200. Ok good, the shot was working. Then Sunday came and I felt terrible, cramps worse than I had had and just weak. I was happy to have friends from Baltimore drive to NJ to surprise me but couldn’t mask the pain. Thank God we sat on the beach and relaxed cause I couldn’t do much more.

We didn’t leave NJ until Monday night after I got to spend more time with my Brother, sister-in-law, niece and nephew. On Tuesday morning I went for another ultrasound and HCG blood test. Yaaay, the “mass” has grown and my HCG went back up to 5507. He was growing again! God, how frustrating that he’s so strong, exactly what we wanted, just not in the right place. I can’t believe I’m trying to stop him from growing, the one thing we wanted him to do!

I go back on Wed and we talk to Dr Greene to decide on scheduling surgery or another shot. They rarely give 3 shots of methotrexate. Will it work or will I wind up in surgery anyway? We decide to give it one final shot, literally, to avoid surgery.

This time around, I have just felt SUPER tired. I slept for 13 hours and think I slept through the dizziness and nausea. It’s now Sat night and I’m still tired and have had random cramps, but nothing bad. I had my blood drawn this morning and my HCG was 3788! Finally, it’s gone down drastically and seems to be working. I thought for sure I was going to be scheduling surgery next week. I’ve also had 2 things of bloody mucus come out, so I’m assuming that’s our baby breaking down and coming out. It’s the saddest thing to realize what it is, but also a huge relief since if it didn’t I’d be having surgery.

I get my blood drawn again on Tuesday to make sure it keeps going down. With the ups and downs I’ve had, who knows what can happen.

Now for the million questions on why and what do we do next time?!? There was such a big part of me that kept wondering if they take my tube maybe it will better our chances of this not happening again. There’s still always a chance, with or without a tube that this can happen. Yes, without a tube, the embryo can still go into this small pocket just outside the uterus and still be ectopic. Who knows the damage all of this stress has caused my Fallopian tube. It’s probably worse now then it was in the beginning. Would I have been better having surgery? So many questions and there’s just no answers to everything.  Nothing is 100% and there’s no guarantee. Just another one of the millions of frustrations of infertility and IVF.