7/28/16…the 7 week ultrasound is finally here! I couldn’t be more excited! For the last 2 weeks I have been talking to him daily, deciding on names (Jack was the top contender), planning his room, downloaded 4 baby apps to see which I liked best and followed his growth and read all of the daily information and tips. We were ready to “meet” our lil leprechaun!

We get in the ultrasound room and I had literally not let myself think of any negative thoughts, this was happening for us. So when the ultrasoundologist says she’s not seeing what she would expect to see, I don’t understand. Ok, maybe my bladder should be full and that will make it easier to see our little guy, right? No, she says she sees fluid but no defined sac or heartbeat. Immediate tears and I can’t breathe. Keep checking, I’m sure he’s in there, I know it. After 10 minutes she apologizes and tells us she doesn’t think the sac is in there and that it looks like it has begun to break down. What the hell does that mean??!!

So we bawl, well I bawl my eyes out the cry when you can’t catch your breath and your body hurts. Then I have to get dressed and wait in a room to talk to a nurse. After 2 hours, so many conversations that I can barely remember and just feeling like everyone is staring at me and waiting for me to make a decision, I still can’t come to terms that he’s gone. I’m in denial. I want another Ultrasound or some kind of confirmation/closure that he’s not in there.

They said he stopped growing at about 6 weeks and the sac had broken down and was just fluid in my uterus. I had 4 people, including my doctor tell me this wasn’t a viable pregnancy and I still couldn’t accept it. I had 3 choices, natural miscarriage which could happen at any time (no thanks!), drug induced miscarriage using Cytotec, or a D and C (dialation and curettage) procedure. I hear the pros and cons of each and just can’t make a decision when I still feel like he’s in there growing. I’m about to have a panic attack or break down after 2 hours of sitting there with a nurse while in complete devastation and all I want to do is to be in my husband’s arms crying. Get me out of here!! We leave with the prescription for Cytoec and a D&C appointment on Monday so we can process and make a decision over the weekend.

We go home and cry in bed. It hurts, I can’t breathe. This is not what was supposed to happen. I’m still in denial. I should feel different if he’s not growing right? I would know if something was wrong. My mom and sister and best friend had texted asking how it went and after a few hours of no response, I had to tell them  “he’s not in there. He stopped growing and has not heartbeat”. This was by far the hardest day I’ve ever had.  I wish I had never become pregnant! If those pregnancy tests were right in the beginning and I was never pregnant then I’d never have to go through this incredible pain and make a decision on how I was going to get rid of my dead baby boy inside of me.

How do you make a decision like this!? I don’t want him out of me, I want him to stay and keep growing! I was in a complete daze for the next day. I can’t stop thinking about it, can’t keep myself from crying, can’t focus on anything! This is just cruel! 2 people who have gone through so much to get pregnant finally do after 2 years and now have to go through this? It just isn’t fair!

And now the decision…Cytotec or D&C. I did a lot of research and found that a lot of women who choose Cytotec still have to have a D&C because not all of the fetal tissue comes out. That seems like a cruel punishment to have to go through both.  I read Cytotec is pretty painful, pretty much induces labor to expel the fetus and can get very bloody and could cause hemorrhaging and all kinds of other risks. So I read a lot of opinions on which to do and women who have done both. Many say they’d choice D&C purely because of the emotional pain having a miscarriage cause. This is my biggest fear, I don’t know if I can bleed out my baby boy and keep my sanity. I’d rather go to sleep and wake up, while still in emotional pain, at least I don’t have to see all of the blood and know what it is.

So I decided on the D&C. But I needed confirmation that he really was not growing. So I have an ultrasound on Monday morning to confirm there’s still no heartbeat and then a D&C after. I know there won’t be a miracle and all of a sudden be a heartbeat but I feel like I need closure. I can’t bring myself to take pills to induce a miscarriage when I don’t feel different and still want to believe that he’s alive. I’m hoping this process is less emotional and physical pain (not that there won’t be both, but at least try to minimize it).